Unlearning Helplessness
Being helpless can run your life, unlearning helplessness is possible with hard work and dedication to change. Learned helplessness is the idea that through experiences, you can learn nothing will ever change and that there is no point in trying. There have been many studies about this concept over the years. But, I will focus on Martin Seligman and Steve Mair’s study in 1967.
Be warned, psychology in the 60s was often not animal friendly. The study that started the idea of learned helplessness was in that category too. We study history to learn from our mistakes and make the world a better place.
History of Learned Helplessness
Seligman and Mair worked on a conditioning experiment using dogs as the test subjects. There weren’t the restrictions that we have now. So, it was common for psychologists to use electricity to shock animals in these kinds of experiments.
Seligman was ringing a bell, then sending an electrical shock through the floor of the cage that he had each dog in. He rang the bell to see how the dogs reacted. Even without the shock, the dogs responded as though he had shocked them.
From here, Seligman took the experiment in a new direction. He put the dogs in a cage with only one side that zapped. A short wall separated the two parts of the cell. Seligman thought the dogs would jump to the safe side when the shock came. To his surprise, the dogs laid down where they were instead of trying to get to safety.
Seligman concluded the dogs’ behavior came from learning there was no hope in the first part of the experiment. Thus learned helplessness was born.
What this means for people
Just like the poor dogs in Seligman’s research, we can learn that there is no hope…staying in a fixed mindset and never even trying to change the way things are. Luckily, if you are stuck, it doesn’t have to be forever. Breaking out happens with the right tools.
Think about the classic bad relationship from movies and shows. Girl wants to be loved, girl falls for bad guys over and over, boy swoops in and starts out just as a friend, then girl learns that she is worth so much more than the laundry list of bad guys she’s been dating and falls in love with the boy.
The change in the main character from a cycle of bad relationships to accepting her worth and growing as a person applies to other parts of life. No matter what rut you’re in, you can climb out.
Unlearning Helplessness with Help
You may have to hit rock bottom to change how you think about your rut and make healthier choices, but it is always okay to ask for help. We all want to be strong and show the world a brave face, but asking for help when you need it means you are living your truth. Being honest with yourself matters more than putting on a show. Sometimes, the negativity blinds us from the good in life.
Seeking help from a therapist, guru, or life coach might be the right option to get you out of your rut. Individuals like these have the training to guide you through the depths of negative self-talk and into the light of loving yourself.
Taking the First Step to Unlearning Helplessness
To start your journey back to a healthy outlook, you have to know how your brain works. Just like the poor dogs mentioned above, over time your brain sees things this way. Our perceptions are shaped by our experiences.
For instance, trusting others can be really hard if you’ve ever been in an abusive relationship or household. When those closest to you treat you like you don’t matter or like you’re worthless over and over again, you might start internalizing this and believing it’s true.
I know it’s hard to hear, but talking about domestic violence is the only way to really change how the world views it. Granted, we have come a long way from a caveman hitting his woman over the head and dragging her back to the cave. But there is so much more progress that can be made.
Changing the world one advocate at a time
As a counselor by trade and helper by nature, I have always wanted to save every person going through abuse. I often work with families and kids who have been hurt, and I am a mandated reporter to stop the pain. In just three years as a therapist, I can’t even count how many DHR reports I have done. I pray every day for these children to be safe and for the system to help them find loving homes in whatever way that looks for them.
Advocacy is just a fancy way of saying lookout for the people around you. Be the one who speaks up for those that have no voice. It’s more important to get them safe than to stay out of drama or avoid ruffling feathers.
If no one ever spoke up for their beliefs and values, we wouldn’t have the rights we have today. Women would still be the property of the men in their families, and racial disparity would be so much worse than it is now. Even the safety of children has improved tremendously in the past couple hundred years.
In 1654, some states even gave parents the right to put disobedient children to death. The Stubborn Children Law in Massachusetts was not canceled until 1973. Think about it, the seventies were only 50 years ago. A mere 50 years when this kind of injustice came to an end.
Step Two for Unlearning Helplessness
After speaking up or at least admitting that there is a problem you need to change, time to take action, repeat positive phrases to yourself until they become second nature. When the self-defeating thoughts creep in, check yourself and change them around.
For example, when I feel like a bad mom and start to doubt that I am doing a good job parenting my two wild toddlers, I have to get out of my head. I stop and force myself to think about all the snuggle time and fun moments we have every day. I think about being there for them when they are sick, scared, or hurt. Then I tell myself, “I am a good mom because good moms keep trying to do better.”
You might start down the road of self-doubt when you disappoint your boss or when you get a bad grade, but these moments are a chance to change. Remind yourself of all the times you got it right and how much you’ve learned and grown. Think of mistakes as opportunities for growth, teachable moments.
Step Three for Unlearning Helplessness
The next and final piece for unlearning helplessness is never giving up. Keep working hard to change how you see yourself or your situation until you meet your goals. Wake up every day and tell yourself, out loud, that you can do it. You can make small changes that add up to success.
How you tell yourself is up to you, you can write it on sticky notes, chant it on your morning jog, or sing it to yourself in the shower; the choice is yours. Whatever way you need to get it into the universe and into your head is fantastic!
Set your mind to it, and change will happen.
Wrap Up Unlearning Helplessness
In conclusion, helplessness is mind over matter. Change your mind, and you can change your life. Don’t be chained to your negative thoughts; notice them and switch them around. Even if you have never been successful in the area you want to work on, you can start today.
Embrace your faults and mistakes. Learn from what you do wrong so you can get stronger. Consider life coaching if you are ready to start meeting your goals and living your best life. A life coach can help you make a realistic plan to meet your goals.
For more ideas about positive thinking, check out Progress Not Perfection and Neurons that Fire Together, Wire Together.
Simply,
Soberry
